Change in Plans, Change in Life

As I sit here and write, at the park with my kiddos--I know my life is about ready to change. I don't know if it is for the good or for the worst. I guess time will only tell.

My daycare provider/friend that has watched my kiddos since one of them was 1.5 is thinking of moving to Texas. Her husband lost his job last Wednesday and they have been looking for a reason to leave California. I've always wanted to leave, but because of my past I need to make sure that our future would be secure. We've always had this rainy day plan to move to Texas, but deep down I do love California and thus--God has always found a way for me to stay here. It hasn't always been easy but for the first time in a few years we are okay.

I knew this day would come one day, I really did. I just wasn't expecting it. She has watched my children for 7 years. They are almost old enough to stay at home after school, and we've made baby steps towards that process and were preparing for them to have that abilty next year. Now that reality is coming true I have to admit I am a little scared.

The unknown for me is very scary. I like to plan things out, know what my path is. Where things go and where they fit. When I don't, things get chaotic for me. That would also mean one good thing for us---no more help with childcare--the one thing I have been waiting for for years. To be free of that help, it is such a blessing!!

I do wish them best, I really do. I know my daughter will miss her best friend though. But just as anything that comes in our life, sometimes there comes a time when we must move on to bigger and better things, even if we really don't think we are ready. God tells us otherwise and we need to listen. I am listening, just a little nervous and scared at the same time as there is also quite a bit of things going on in my personal life besides this. I know this will aslo affect my kiddos, but they tell me they are okay with it. We shall see.

As for me--I sit here looking up at the trees, beautiful blue sky and hear the birds, people and sounds around me. I think to myself, I wish I didn't have to leave this little spot I am in right now. It seems all to perfect and wonderful. Though, the kiddos tell me they are bored, I'm sure they can find something to do at this beautiful spot I'm looking at right now.

I will beat IIH and I will loose this weight!! I am a survivor!

Oh dang, why does weight loss have to be so freakin hard. As I was telling my kiddos, if I could instantly shave it off I sure would I know I can't. It's going to take as long as it took to put it on as it will to take it off.

I have such a long way to go. I have dedication right now because all the doctors are hopefully that if I loose the weight, IIH goes away (though part of me is scared of what to do if it does not). The dreadful moment when you step on the scale and realize...GASP, you have over a 100 pounds to loose. And you think...what the hell was I thinking? Did I really gain that much weight?

I do blame my doctors though for part of it. Two years ago I was on a roll. I started working out to Jillian Anderson. I was on her 30 day shred and I was so wicked up I was up to level three. I was doing step pushups and loosing weight steady and surely. I got all the way down to 250.

Then came the kicker. We have to up your medicine. Me --what do you mean you have to up my medicine?

Doc, "It's not working. You're steady, but your optical nerves are still swollen and that is of concern."

Yeah, fuck it all I had to say. Up to went to 1.5 grams and with that, my breathing became non-existant. Jillian was no more. I found myself having to stop through most of it just to catch my breath and then doc says, "I don't recommend you do that anymore."

Was the biggest blow to my ego. Perhaps I should not have listened to him and I might be at my regular weight, but I went into a slight depression. Back to the same ol' usual routine.

You know, it really sucks to have an incurable disease. You don't realize how much others who have cancer and other diseases without a cure think about it constantly. I have faith that God will heal me and my weight problem if I am diligent and on task.

I started doing a fitbit challenge with a friend. I won the first one and literally hurt for three days. Then we had a weekend challenge (which ends today in two hours) so yeah I lost this one. But, there will be more and I am actually going to up my game with money. Incentives work for me and I have to find a way to keep myself motivated. I'm going to create a pot. Everytime I win a challenge, 1-2 dollars go into the pot. At the end of the year, the pot is mine to do what I want with it.

Now here comes the fun part, finding the jar and seeing it on a daily basis.

Not so fun, pushing myself beyond my limit.